A Story of Faith
(Or the Day I Passed
The Bar Exams of 2001)
Every year, at about
this time, thousands of Bar examinees troop to the Supreme Court to find out if
their hard work had paid off. Some go
home triumphant with a dance of joy, while most go home with bad news.
In a nutshell, that
is the story of life. You work
hard. Sometimes it pays off. Sometimes it doesn’t. But you plod on.
Passers seems to have
God on their side, and enjoy the high that they feel. Everybody loves them. You receive numerous congratulatory
texts. You are at the top of the world,
even if you did not top the Bar. It is exhilarating.
Flunkers feel like
the pits. Questions of self-doubt plague
your mind for days. If you are an
achiever, you question your own intelligence.
And for some, they even question God.
They think, I gave it my all, binigay ko nang lahat, kulang pa ba?
Some may tell
me? What do you know? You did not flunk the bar. Believe me, I know.
One of the most
agonizing things in life is waiting.
This cannot be more pronounced for the Bar Examinee who after hurdling
the 4 Sundays of the Bar start to go on with their lives in limbo as they wait
for the release of the Bar Exam Results like cult members waiting for the
second coming. And when the news of the
release comes, it makes the inner frenzy all the more unbearable.
It was in the morning
of March 19, 2002, a Tuesday, when I learned that the Bar Exams will be
released on that day. A couple of weeks before that, rumors were circulating that it will be released on this day or that, but it was all just that, rumours.
This time, it seemed
true. The Bar Exams is usually released
on a Supreme Court En Banc session day which falls on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It seemed to be the THE DAY. It felt like it was THE DAY. It was also the feast of St. Joseph, the
patron of Fathers. That I will not
forget.
I was then working as
a legal researcher at the Law Offices of Justice Serafin Cuevas at Makati City. We were only five legal researchers working
then on the plunder cases of former Pres. Joseph Estrada. All five of us were waiting for the results
of the Bar.
Upon arriving at my
place of work, the tension was palpable.
All five of us cannot work, so to appease our tension, our supervisor,
Atty. Baguio, offered that he can give us advanced notice of the results as he
has a friend in the Supreme Court who can look at the list even before it is
released. But, it did not diminish our
anxiety.
All five of us
decided to stick together and wait for the results that Atty. Baguio will be
sending us before the actual release at eight o’clock that night. We left the office at around five o’clock,
walked from Salcedo Village to Greenbelt where we caught the six o’clock mass.
I felt so fortunate
to hear mass that evening. It calmed my
nerves. It was also the feast of St.
Joseph so the homily was quite meaningful.
I prayed and submitted all my hopes to God and I was at peace. At the end of the mass, a tribute to all
fathers present was made where they were asked to come in front for the priest's blessing. A power point presentation was presented and
as I was watching, like a sign from heaven, I saw a rainbow in one of the
slides.
The rainbow is a very
poignant symbol for me. Since I was
young, when I felt really low and depressed, I would see a rainbow and it
reminded me always of God’s promise to Noah.
For me, it meant that He is always at my side and that whatever I was
feeling will always pass with a promise that I have better things in store for
me. And it was always true.
That rainbow I saw in
one of the slides was like a secret message to me from God, that yes, he will
grant me the desires of my heart. I felt
so sure that I will pass the Bar that night.
I was so sure that my name will be on that list.
After hearing mass,
all five of us were wondering why we haven’t received any news from Atty.
Baguio yet. It was already seven o’clock
and we were hungry. So we had
dinner. The boyfriend, now husband, of
one of my colleagues now joined us. Still no news.
The television set in
the restaurant where we were having our dinner already announced that the results
will be released in about thirty more minutes and so we decided to go to the
Supreme Court area to wait some more. We
decided not to go to the Supreme Court itself because we were afraid to be
there if we failed the exams. We decided
to proceed to the Remedios Church where we will pray some more and wait some
more.
However, in the taxi, on the way to the Malate area, one by one, everyone’s cellphone was giving off
message alert tones except mine.
Everyone was silent on that trip to Remedios.
Earlier that day, I
gave instructions to my four colleagues that if I fail the exams, I wanted them
to just let me be. No comforting back
rubs. No “it’s okay, just take it again”
talks. I told them to just leave me
alone.
When we got off at
the Church, Joselito, one of our colleagues hugged me.
“Peach, you didn’t
make it.” He told me sadly. I answered, “Ah
okay, sige. Thank you.”
I immediately flagged
down the same taxi that took us to Remedios after he made a u-turn. “Manong balik tayo sa Makati.” I told the
taxi driver.
“Bakit po Ma’am?” he
asked curiously.
“Hindi ako sinwerte
Manong. Uuwi na lang ako.” So I gave him
directions to the condo I was staying in at that time at J.P. Rizal Ave., at
the back of the old RTC Building in Makati.
I took that trip back
to the condo in silence, but my brain was running at 120 kph. I couldn’t believe I did not pass the
bar. Personally, I really felt I did
well. Besides, I saw the rainbow.
However, I am not one
to wallow in misery. Immediately, in
that taxi ride, I planned my next move.
I decided immediately to resign from the law office the next day. I will then ask my Dad to support me in
reviewing for the Bar again. In this
particular episode, I supported myself through the review with my own
savings. This time, I will humble myself
and ask help from my parents. I also
decided to review at the Ateneo at Rockwell.
I felt so bad that my UP Law Center Review did not prepare me enough,
and in total rebellion towards my UP upbringing, I will allow myself to be
educated in a sectarian school. My "UP
and others" attitude be damned!
I didn’t have the
time to be depressed during that taxi ride.
I was filled with thoughts about the next step. But it all turned 180 degrees when I got to
my condo. The darkness of that small
studio flat brought to fore the fact that I, Remelisa G. Alfelor was now a
flunker, an utter disgrace to my lawyer grandfather, Felix O. Alfelor, Sr. (UP ’35)
and my lawyer father Felix R. Alfelor, Jr. (UP ’60).
I never failed an
exam in my life. Never! This was the lowest feeling ever. I screamed my lungs out in that dark studio
flat, as I preferred to suffer in the dark.
My tears flowed like a river and wouldn’t stop. It was the pits. I was the scum of the earth. The lowest mammal. Not even.
The lowest lifeform God ever created.
I was not worthy.
As I was wallowing in
my sorrow, my phone started to ring. It
was low batt so I had to charge it.
Everytime it rang, the phone died down on me. Well, all for the best. I thought it might just be some well-meaning
friend trying to comfort me and I was not in the mood to be commiserated. I just wanted to be alone.
But then, I decided
to put the phone back on again while it was charging and I got a call from my
friend Joselito.
“Peach, you have to
come here at the Supreme Court.” He
said. Now, my tears flowed anew.
“Why should I? I failed didn’t I. Should I go there and watch all of you jump
for joy? It would be like taking a stone
and hitting my own head.” I told him in my tears.
“No, you come
here. You passed the bar!” he said.
“What? I don’t understand?” I answered. He gave the phone to our other colleague
Maricar who was my closest in the group. She is a best friend in kindergarten days and the world, small as it is, brought us together again in that law office as colleagues after years of being apart. She is also a kababayan.
“Peach, come to the
Supreme Court, you passed the bar!” she said clearly now in my ear through my mobile phone.
“I passed the bar?” I
asked carefully.
“Yes, you did. No. 43 on the list.” She answered back.
I passed the bar? I passed the bar! Wow! I thought.
“Yes, yes, I’ll come
to the Supreme Court. Thank you.” I put the phone down. I immediately fixed myself but didn’t have
time to change my clothes. Still in my
court clothes, I went down the condominium building and asked the guard to get
a taxi for me. In a minute a taxi came
and I took that triumphant taxi ride to the Supreme Court.
It was in that ride
that my Dad called me up congratulating me.
He was in Sulo Hotel with my Uncle Atty. Teddy Rigoroso. He too congratulated me. I was so happy.
During that trip, I
prayed my thanksgiving. I knew in my
heart that I passed the Bar but I didn’t have enough faith to believe it. With just a news from a friend, I let my
heart believe something that was not at all God’s message to me. I apologized for not believing in Him and in
his will for me.
When I arrived at the
Supreme Court, there were still several people milling around. I jumped and screamed in joy when I saw my
name on the list. Like a crazy person, I
was there alone in my triumph telling everyone I passed! I passed!
I decided to go home
to Fairview that night where our family home is. I wanted to
share my joy with my family. And as I laid down to sleep, I tried to
process why did God do this to me. Why
did he make me feel this roller coaster of emotions? Why did he make me feel like a failure, only
to be triumphant in the end?
Then it came to
me. I had never failed in my life. Except of course for that Criminal Law I
class under Fiscal Lirag that was due to a mistake in the cases I submitted for
our case digest project. He failed me in
the class because I submitted the wrong cases, so it doesn’t really count. Besides, he changed my grade after I submitted the right cases. I had an intellectual confidence that was
veering on arrogance. If I did not go
through the experience of failing, even temporarily, I would not be able to appreciate the value of passing the Bar, and maybe would go on through life
with an arrogance that might destroy me.
That night, I
appreciated the experience. I had always
valued hard work and perseverance but I did not understand what it truly means
until that moment in my life. I closed
my eyes to sleep that night with a renewed confidence in my faith in God, that
he is always faithful in his promises, and that he will always lead me to where
I should be as long as I submit to his will, as long as I have faith.
The Bar Exams is the
most difficult exams one can ever decide to take. It is not for the faint hearted and the
courage to take it is actually a triumph in itself. If one fails, it is not the end of the world. It might feel like it, but the sun shines
again.
As the rainbow always
reminds us, there is always sunshine after the rain.
